|| horny and annoyed as all fuck
Well...I don't know if I should be angry with myself or not...for a number of reasons...
Shuichi spent the night. He's been having a rough time. We all know that.
I'm really...exhausted...mentally drained...so I don't know if all of this is going to make much sense. It's a good thing only I can see it.
I was a fucking idiot. Drank a few beers, decided it would be kosher to give Shuichi a little pick-me-up. I'm sort of glad that not too much happened, that I managed to give him...well...a little...before he passed out. Poor guy was tired off his ass.
I'm pissed at myself for feeling used and aggrivated because I haven't really gotten anything in almost a year. I was stupid for expecting ANYTHING. It was dumb for me to even offer. He felt better at least, so I guess, so do I.
But it really sucks. This is nothing against Shuichi. Not in the slightest. This is my own thing. Last night was for him. Not me. But it really doesn't help for someone who's INCREASINGLY fucking horny (I'm a fucking sicko.) to make the moves, and LET the moves be made on himself, to blow his best friend off and have him pass out before anything is returned.
Three showers later I fell asleep on the damn couch.
Again, I realize I'm an ass for thinking this. I don't....want Shuichi like that. It's just frustrating.
And it kinda hurts too I guess. Not because of anyone in particular. Just that...how long has it been? I can't remember. Not just since the sex, or even...you know...play...but since I've actually dated someone I thought I could be serious about. It's probably me. I'm not the same as I was before. People don't approach me or anything really these days, and I never really thought about it until now. Shu talked about how he missed being held, he missed the wild things, the fun things that you do with someone you really want to be with. And yeah, I do too.
Is something wrong with me? Well I know that, right now, yeah, there is. But I mean in general. Is there something about me that's just not...attractive anymore?
And I'm a total asshole because I feel like I'm throwing myself at poor Suguru. I really think I'm scaring the shit out of him. He's a great guy though, takes it all with a smile and a nod, like he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me to back off.
But he's kind of a tease even if he doesn't know it.
Or I'm just a bigger pervert than I thought. I'm sure Seguchi-san would appreciate knowing there's a lecher going after his cousin.
So, here I am, with a gorgeous best friend who's practically throwing himself at me (if we change practically to "what the hell are you doing to my crotch you drunk melon head?"), which bothers me because he's my GUY, my ONE GUY, and then there's Suguru...who's ass I'm totally chasing after but, as much as I hate to say it, has the sexual prowess of a ring worm.
It's actually damn cute though.
And that came out wrong...I'm not so much after Suguru's ASS. Once I nail my libido to the floor, I know why I like him. It has nothing to do with his rear end...
Okay, maybe a little.
But he's a great GUY, and LOADS of fun. And it just...feels good, you know? I could be just confusing myself because I haven't really made that many new friends in a while.
I need to get laid. If anything I think that would center me a bit. But I'm not doing it with Shuichi. And I'm not doing it with Suguru (at this point, that's not exactly my choice.)
It's after four in the morning. I can't fucking sleep. I can't even fucking bring myself to make myself FEEL better...yeah, in THAT sense, because right now it just feels dirty. I think about people I SHOULDN'T.
It's gonna be one of those things that comes back at me three fold, I know. I'm gonna turn into a jerk and people are gonna wonder why.
I think I'll find a way to blame this entirely on Yuki.
Problem is, if I do that too much I'll probably end up fantasizing about HIM TOO.
Ah. Bob Barker. I'll blame Bob Barker. HE'S sexually unappealing.
Glad no one can see what a horrid person I am.
I'm gonna go sing at my computer for a while until I pass out from sheer exhaustion.